When a Magician Tells You That You’re Pregnant (ft. Megan Batoon) – I S**t You Not


– My name’s Megan Batoon
and I shit you not I was dating this guy and we were going through a rough patch so we decided to go to a magic show. The logic. I mean we all like magic right? Okay, I think before we
start I need to tell you that I hate being in the audience if I have to participate in anything. I’m not the performer,
don’t ask me a thing. Now that we know that. The guy I went with he
is the magic show veteran of this one show, he has
seen the show 12 times. Right now I’m like that’s a lot of money, but he loved that show. There was no other show
that existed in his mind, so we went. I understand after seeing
it, is very very inspiring. We get to the venue and in this magic show right when you get in you’re greeted with a wall of affirmations almost. “I am a daughter.” “I am a boss.” “I am a feather in the wind.” And you have to pick the one
that speaks the most to you. There’s just so many options
and I’m such a complex person, so my date picks his card, so easy goes to the bathroom, leaves
me to overthink the wall and then I finally find one. Wow! This describes me more than anything ever. Thanks card for putting it like that, so I pick my card, hold
it close to the vest, it’s personal, vulnerable. My date comes back, nonchalantly is like, “What card did you pick?” And I was like how dare you ask me something so personal. We were already in a rough patch, so now our rough patch is like a wildfire. We’re not doing well. We go in and we watch the magic show and it’s great, it’s beautiful, it is the best magic show
I’ve ever seen in my life. The magician, I couldn’t
even call him a magician I think he’s like… I mean I guess it would be magic, it’s magic, there’s no
other way to describe it. He does really big, big magic. You know big, big magic. At one point in the show the magician takes a letter off of the wall that I thought was two-dimensional
artwork the whole time, so that’s already the
magic trick in my mind. He also pulls a person from the audience up to read the letter. As soon as the envelope opened you saw just their face puddle. They just melted internally, externally, they just weren’t a person anymore. And it’s written in
someone’s hand-lettering, the letter was handwritten to that person by a family member that
only that person had. Sorcery! I understand why my date had gone 12 times it makes sense, it’s the
best magic show ever. Okay, here’s where things
go array, I am shaking. It’s the finale, the magician
asks everyone to rise and we all stand up except
I’m not part of the we, I don’t want to
participate so I’m sitting. My date is looking down upon me, metaphorically and literally. I don’t want to make our
rough patch even worse and so I also rise. Remember that card I
mentioned in the beginning this is where it, it’s
so embarrassing still. The magician goes one by one down the line and guesses the card that we all picked in the beginning by reading our minds. It’s also the way he says it. The cards if you remember say, “I am blank”, he looks you dead in the eye and he goes, “You are” whatever you chose. Everyone loves it because
everyone’s feeling seen and heard and belonging for once. He goes down the line, it’s quick, “you are powerful”, “you
are strong”, you are that. He gets to me, everything stops the world stops turning, it seemed like five minutes of staring at each other. My worst nightmare. The pacing is just ruined. He walks up to me, this was so ominous, slowly and intentionally. I get it, he’s a performer. Not breaking eye contact with me, “You are, you’re expecting”. Yeah, that was the word on my card and I started crying, I
heard gasps from the corner, I heard tears, I heard claps. Why is everyone so there for me for this? And then it dawned on me
that I have mush for brains. I thought that expecting
was a shorter way of saying, “I’m expecting too much of myself “and other people and my standards are unrealistically high”. Wrong! That wouldn’t have fit on the card. Oh god. I am a fully grown adult
and I’ve heard this. I’ve heard, “you’re expecting”, but I just, the card like… It wasn’t until I palpably
felt my date’s pale face… Oh, expecting also means you’re pregnant and I knew there was no chance ’cause I’m very careful. It’s so embarrassing because
I’m a 28 year old woman and I should know what
the word expecting means, but in the moment it was like, what speaks to you and that’s I just wanted to be honest with myself. I had to sit next to my date
who was probably figuring out how to be a new dad for
the rest of his life with a girl that he’s
in a rough patch with. Right when the lights
came up, I turned to him I said, “I’m not pregnant “and I’m never going
to a magic show again.”

34 Comments

  1. Megan, it’s great to see you doing comedy! I guess I’ve gotten used to watching your dancing and choreography and forgot about what a great comedian you are! You’re half-a-pino (i.e. half Filipino) video still makes me smile to this day. Keep up the great work

  2. You do realize that's not "magic", right? They record every person that comes in the theater and the performer has someone feeding him or her information through an ear-piece.

  3. It's been 16 seconds and the editors have already made us listen to her laugh at her own joke twice. cmon.

  4. When you've listened to too many episodes of Just a Tip Podcast With Megan Batoon available on Apple and Spotify…

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