Justin & Jill’s Drunk History: THE BIRTH STORY


OK, START WITH THAT AND IF YOU FINISH THAT YOU CAN HAVE MORE. SO, WE’LL DO COUNTDOWN IN THREE, TWO– HI. HI. I’M JUSTIN. AND I’M JILL. WELCOME TO JACKSON’S FIRST BIRTHDAY. WHO’S JACKSON? WELL WE’RE ABOUT TO TELL YOU. WELL HE’S OUR SON. HE’S OUR SON WE JUST TOLD YOU. AND IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY. IT’S HIS FIRST BIRTHDAY. THIS IS HIM. HE’S SLEEPING. GRANDMA? OH, WILL YOU TAKE THE MONITOR? THIS IS MY MOM EVERYONE. THIS IS MY MOM. SHE’S A RESPONSIBLE SOBER ADULT. AND SO WE ARE FREE TO TELL THE STORY TO TELL THE TALE OF JACKSON’S BIRTH. OH, MAN. NOW SHOULD WE PAUSE TO ACTUALLY GET DRUNK? OK, I’M DRUNK. IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH ANYMORE DOES IT? [LAUGHS] WHEN WE MOVED INTO THIS HOUSE, I WAS LIKE LOOK I THINK THIS BABY MIGHT BE COMING EARLY. I WAS UP ALL NIGHT BECAUSE I WAS HAVING THESE LITTLE JUST LITTLE PAINS HERE AND THERE. SO, I WAS LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT, I HAVE SPOKEN TO MY DOULA ABOUT THIS GABI, SHE’S THE BEST. WHAT’S A DOULA? OK, A DOULA. SO, A DOULA IS… WHO DOES NOT ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOU BUT THEY ARE PAID TO CARE ABOUT YOU DEEPLY CARE ABOUT THE PREGNANCY, FOR LIKE ONE DAY. GABI BASICALLY WAS THE BEST DOULA THAT SHE COULD HAVE BEEN. I’M LIKE, LISTEN I’LL HELP YOU UNPACK THE NURSERY I’LL HELP YOU SET UP THE, YOU KNOW THE DUDE’S SPOT BUT I FEEL LIKE WE’VE RAISED A PUNCTUAL FETUS HE’LL COME WHEN HE’S SUPPOSED TO. WHAT DO YOU NEED? WINE? GOD, WE’RE SUCH GROWN UPS. NOPE. TRY AGAIN. DOCTOR’S OFFICE BECAUSE YOU WERE UP ALL NIGHT WITH CONTRACTIONS. YES, I WAS. WE GO TO THE DOCTOR. I’M STILL HAVING THIS PAIN. WE GET CALLED IN AND OUR DOCTOR’S NOT THERE. IT’S NOT OUR DOCTOR. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO? WE SHOULD CHANGE THE NAMES FOR PRIVACY SAKE. DOCTOR WHATEVER HIS FACE WAS. HEY, I’M DOCTOR WHATSHISFACE AND I’LL BE PUTTING MY FINGERS IN YOUR WIFE’S VAGINA. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. JUST TO TELL YOU HOW IT IS. DON’T SAY IT. WHAT? THIS IS WHERE THINGS WENT SOUTH BECAUSE WHAT HE SAID WAS LOOK, YOU’RE NOT IN REAL LABOR. YOU ARE HAVING FAKE BRAXTON HICKS CONTRACTIONS. YOU’RE NOT GONNA HAVE A BABY. [BURPS] YOUR BABY IS GONNA BE HERE PROBABLY IN LIKE WHO KNOWS? WHEN YOU GET HOME YOU JUST WALK IT OF AND YOU DRINK WATER AND THIS BABY WON’T BE HERE FOR WEEKS AND I WAS LIKE, AH, IF YOU SAY SO BUT ALSO SWEET. AND THEN HE PUT HIS FINGERS IN HER VAGINA. NO. HOW WAS HE ABLE TO DISCERN THAT WITHOUT EVEN DOING THE THING? ALRIGHT, LOOK JUSTIN HAD A SHOW THE NEXT NIGHT THE VERY NEXT NIGHT. IN HARTFORD CONNECTICUT. GO AHEAD. GO TO THE SHOW. BY THE WAY, I’M A HUGE FAN OF MAGIC. WHEN I WAS A KID I THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD BE A MAGICIAN. AND I WAS LIKE, AH, HERE WE GO. AND I WAS LIKE TELL ME MORE. TELL ME. I WANT TO KNOW MORE. AT THAT POINT I TRUSTED HIM, AND WE WENT HOME. JUSTIN IS PACKING FOR HIS TRIP THAT HE IS GOING TO TAKE. DOCTOR WHATSHISFACE SAID PACK. HE SAID PACK. I AM PACING IN THE BEDROOM. AND I’M LIKE BABE, I’M NOT SURE IF DOCTOR WHATSHISFACE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. AND I WAS LIKE BABE LISTEN. IF YOU THINK I SHOULD CANCEL THE SHOW, I’LL CANCEL THE SHOW. I WAS LIKE JUSTIN, LOOK YOU GO, YOU GO. I’M JUST GONNA KEEP WALKING AND DRINKING THE WATER AND WALKING AND DRINKING THE WATER. BUT LET ME TELL YOU THIS, OK? IF YOU GO AND I’M REALLY IN LABOR I… NO PRESSURE BUT I WILL RESENT YOU FOREVER. SO, I’M ON THE PLANE. AND I SEE CHELKO AND I’M LIKE, HEY CHELKO, HOW’S IT GOING BUDDY? AND HE’S LIKE, GOOD BUDDY. HOW’S IT GOING WITH YOU? AND WE’RE WATCHING THIS IS US. CHELKO AND I WERE VERY EMOTIONAL. IT’S A REALLY GOOD SHOW. I WAS LIKE CHELKO, THIS IS REALLY EMOTIONAL. I’M KIND OF MOVED. AND HE WAS LIKE YOU KNOW THAT’S COOL BUDDY. I’M MOVED TOO. IF YOU WANT TO HOLD MY HAND, YOU CAN HOLD MY HAND. AND WE’RE HOLDING EACH OTHER’S HANDS. [LAUGHS] I CAN’T. AND I REMEMBER I LOOKED OVER TO CHELKO AND I SAID HEY BUDDY, LISTEN I’M EXCITED WE’RE GOING TO HARTFORD FOR THE SHOW BUT, UH, JILL THINKS MAYBE SHE’S GONNA HAVE A BABY TONIGHT. AND HE’S LIKE WHAT? DO YOU MEAN LIKE YOUR BABY TONIGHT? AND I WAS LIKE, BABY’S NOT SUPPOSED TO COME FOR A MONTH. AND HE WAS LIKE, AH, I MEAN BUDDY, IF THE DOCTOR SAYS THE BABY’S NOT GONNA COME FOR A MONTH BABY’S NOT GONNA COME FOR AT LEAST A MONTH. MAYBE LIKE FIVE MONTHS OR SOMETHING. AND I WAS LIKE, AH, MAKES SENSE. NOW WHAT’S MILO DOING? WHO’S MILO? MILO VENTIMIGLIA. OH, YEAH. MILO. YEAH. VENTIMIGLIA. YEAH. HE’S A GOOD– HE’S CUTE. DON’T. IT’S FINE. DON’T. I WASN’T EVEN ASKING. I WAS JUST TELLING YOU. WE LANDED IN HARTFORD. AND I SAID, BOO CHELKO AND I ARE GONNA TAKE A NAP BECAUSE WE GOT THIS SHOW TONIGHT. WE’RE NOT GOING TO MISS THE BABY BECAUSE– [SPILLS] DID YOU SPILL ON THE CHAIR? YOU DID!? REALLY? DID HE SPILL ON THE CHAIR? YEP. OF ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU COULD DO. I DID NOT MEAN TO. THIS IS THE MOST TRAGIC PART OF THIS STORY. I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE WHAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BLOT. WHAT? I’M BLOTTING. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BLOT. YOU DON’T KNOW. THIS IS F*****. EVERYTHING’S GOOD. ANYWAY. BACK TO THE STORY. I WAS IN– PAIN! I WAS IN PAIN AND I WAS LIKE, OH S***, OH F***. I’M IN DEEP S***. NO, NO NO. I AM NOT FINE. I AM IN FULL BLOWN LABOR. I CALLED MY BROTHER. I WAS LIKE JOE, I AM IN LABOR. AND HE WAS LIKE OK, I’M AT THE GYM. BUT I AM ON MY WAY– SIS. LOOK MY BROTHER, HE’S A GOOD MAN. YOUR BROTHER’S A GOOD MAN. HE’S A GOOD MAN. SO, I CALL JUSTIN AND HE’S LIKE HELLO? AND I WAS LIKE OH, SORRY TO DISTURB YOU I AM IN LABOR. YOU NEED TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW! AND I WAS LIKE CHELKO, HELLO CHELKO? AND HE WAS LIKE HELLO? I’M RIGHT HERE. I WAS LIKE WE NEED TO CALL THE GIG PEOPLE AND YOU NEED TO TELL THEM THAT I’M NOT GONNA MAKE IT TO THE SHOW. AND HE GOT ON THE PHONE AND WAS LIKE HEY, HOW’S IT GOING? I’M CHRIS CHELKO. I’M JUSTIN WILLMAN’S– DUDE– BUDDY. JUSTIN CANNOT MAKE IT TO THE GIG BECAUSE HIS WIFE’S SUPER PREGNANT WE DIDN’T KNOW IT. AND THEY WERE LIKE YEAH COOL. UH– CONGRATS. ALL GOOD. AND I WAS LIKE ALL GOOD? AND HE WAS LIKE YEAH, NO, NO, THEY SAID ALL GOOD. THERE WAS NO DIRECT FLIGHT FROM HARTFORD TO LOS ANGELES. THE ONLY FLIGHT WAS FROM BOSTON TO LOS ANGELES AND THAT WAS LIKE IN TWO HOURS. ANYBODY WANTS TO BE THERE FOR THEIR BABY’S BIRTH BUT LIKE I’M NOT AROUND A LOT FOR A LOT OF THINGS I’M LIKE ALWAYS TRAVELING FOR DIFFERENT THINGS. SO, LIKE I REALLY WANTED TO BE THERE FOR OUR BABY’S BIRTH BECAUSE I WANTED TO SHOW MY WIFE THAT LIKE I WAS GONNA BE A FATHER WHO WAS PRESENT AND HERE I WAS LIKE BEING AWAY IN THE S***TIEST CITY IN AMERICA. I’M SORRY HARTFORD. I’M IN THE S***TIEST CITY IN AMERICA. I’M IN HARTFORD CONNECTICUT WHICH IS THE WORST PLACE TO BE IN THE WORLD! I REALIZE THEN THAT I KINDA F***** UP AND I THOUGHT TO CHELKO I WAS LIKE HEY BUDDY I THINK I F***** UP. AND HE WAS LIKE– IT’S OK. IT’S OK. YOU’RE STILL CLEANING THE STAIN? I’M BLOTTING. YOU’RE BLOTTING? GOOD. CHELKO WAS LIKE BUDDY, I GOT AN IDEA. IT’S ALL GOOD. WE’RE GOING TO GET INTO OUR RENTAL CAR. WE’RE GOING TO DRIVE TO BOSTON WHICH IS WHERE THE PLANE GOES FROM. AND WE’RE GOING TO FLY TO LOS ANGELES. AND WE’RE GOING TO TRY TO BE THERE FOR THAT BABY’S BORN. I CRIED A LITTLE BIT AT THAT MOMENT AND I WAS LIKE, YES. WE’RE IN A TOWN AND COUNTRY. AND WE ARE NOT SEEING THE TOWN OR THE COUNTRY BECAUSE WE ARE BLAZING THROUGH. AND I AM SAYING TO CHELKO WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT, WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT, WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT. AND HE’S LIKE WE’RE GOING TO MAKE IT FOR THE BAPTISM OR SOMETHING LIKE HE IS NOT THINKING THAT WE’RE GOING TO MAKE IT. AND I SAID [HITS GLASS] I DIDN’T SPILL S***. I DID NOT SPILL. DID YOU SPILL SOMETHING AGAIN? NOTHING. CAN YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS INSIDE THE RIDE? I SAID CHELKO, WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT FOR THE CIRCUMCISION. AND HE WAS LIKE WELL THEN I THINK WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT FOR THE BIRTH. AND THEN I LOOKED AT HIM AND I WAS LIKE UH HUH. AND HE WAS LIKE UH HUH. AND I WAS LIKE KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE WHEEL DRIVING. JOE SHOWS UP AT THE HOUSE, RIGHT? AND HE FINDS ME ON THE FLOOR AND I’M LIKE BRO I’M NOT– THERE’S NO WAY THAT I’M LEAVING THIS VERY SPOT. AND MY BROTHER WAS LIKE LOOK, SIS I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO– YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME JUST DO A QUICK GOOGLE. AND HE GOOGLED. HE GOOGLED IT. AND SO, HE WAS LIKE YOU GOTTA GET IN MY VEHICLE AND I WILL BABY DRIVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL. AND WE WERE OFF MAN. WE WERE ON THE ROAD. WE WERE SPEEDING. WE WERE DRIVING ILLEGALLY. WE WERE DRIVING IN THE MEDIAN. AND MEANWHILE LIKE I WAS ON FACETIME WITH JILL AND SHE WAS LIKE NOT LOOKING GOOD. I WAS LIKE OOOOH BABE! THE CONTRACTIONS THEY ARE SUDDENLY TWO MINUTES APART. SO, I’M SAYING TO JILL I WAS LIKE BOO, I AM DRIVING TO BOSTON RIGHT NOW IN A RENTAL CAR. IT’S A CHRYSLER TOWN AND COUNTRY. YES, IT’S A NEW. [LAUGHS] THAT’S IMPORTANT. YOU DON’T WANT ME TO BE IN A PIECE OF S*** CHRYSLER TOWN AND COUNTRY. BABE! HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A 2005 TOWN AND COUNTRY? [LAUGHS] JILL? I DON’T KNOW. YOU DON’T KNOW? YOU DON’T WANT TO BE IN THAT THING. JILL, IT’S A PIECE OF S***. I’M IN THE CAR WITH MY BROTHER AND I’M LIKE JOE, ARE WE GOING TO MAKE IT? THE CAR. AND HE WAS LIKE SIS, I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN. PLEASE DO NOT CRITICIZE ME LIKE YOU DID WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP. I WILL GET YOU THERE. AND I WAS LIKE I HAVE TOTAL FAITH IN YOU. WE BLEW MANY STOP SIGNS. HE DID A CINEMATIC, DRAMATIC JOB OF GETTING ME TO THE AIRPORT. NO. HE GOT ME TO THE HOSPITAL. HE RUNS INSIDE AND HE’S LIKE YO! MY SISTER’S IN LABOR. SOMEBODY GRAB [BURP] THE CORRECT VEHICLE TO GET HER TO THE PLACE WHERE SHE NEEDS TO GO! THEY WHEELED ME UP AND WHO DO I SEE? AH? WHO DO I SEE? MY REGULAR DOCTOR. HERE HE COMES. THROUGH THE DOOR LIKE F***ING JESUS. HE COMES IN. HE GOES HELLO, YOU ARE HERE. YOU ARE EARLY. WHAT’S GOING ON? I SAID LOOK DOCTOR WHATSHISFACE TOLD ME I WASN’T IN LABOR TURNS OUT I BELIEVE I’M IN LABOR. HE WAS LIKE LOOK ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE THIS BABY IN A COUPLE HOURS. SO, I GET ON THE PLANE AND I’M SITTING NEXT TO CHELKO AND I’M SAYING THERE BUDDY, HEY BUDDY WE’VE GOT SIX AND A HALF HOURS. WE’LL BE IN LOS ANGELES AND IT’S GONNA BE GREAT. I’M GONNA GET TO SEE MY SON BEING BORN. AND HE’S LIKE BUDDY, THAT IS SO GREAT. SO, LISTEN I’M IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM. WE’VE GOT ME, GABI THE DOULA, MY FRIEND MAGGIE, WE’VE GOT JOE, AND WE GOT JOE’S WIFE-TO-BE LIZZIE. AND THEY’RE SURROUNDING ME WITH LOVE AND LIP GLOSS AND ICE. MEANWHILE, I DID NOT GET THE UPGRADE. SO, I’M IN ROW 15. AND I’M NOT LOVING IT. AND THEN THE REGULAR DOCTOR CAME IN THE ROOM AND HE WAS LIKE OH, YOU’RE ON FACETIME WITH JUSTIN? AND I WAS LIKE YES. HERE HE IS. AND HE WAS LIKE JUSTIN HOW FAR AWAY ARE YOU? AND JUSTIN WAS LIKE I’M YOU KNOW, MINUTES AWAY FROM LANDING. WELL AND THEN I LOOKED AT TRAFFIC AND TRAFFIC WAS BAD. TRAFFIC WAS VERY BAD. REALLY BAD. TRAFFIC SAID IT WAS GONNA TAKE 90 MINUTES TO 2 HOURS FROM WHEN I LANDED TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL. AND THE DOCTOR WAS LIKE WELL I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS BUT [BURP] THIS BABY’S GONNA BE BORN ANY MINUTE NOW. SO WE WERE F***ED. I STARTED TO CRY. I REALIZED THAT HE WAS IN A MORE EMOTIONAL STATE EVEN THAN I WAS. AND I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION AS ALL WOMEN DO TO COMFORT HIM. AND I WAS LIKE BABE, YOU KNOW MAYBE YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE IT AND MAYBE YOU’RE NOT AND IF YOU MAKE IT, GREAT BUT IF YOU DON’T, YOU’RE GOING TO SEE IT ON FACETIME AND AREN’T WE LUCKY? AND THAT’S JUST OUR REALITY. AND IF THAT’S WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN THAT’S WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF I WAS LIKE I HAVE AN IDEA. I HAVE A CONNECTION AT THE SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT. JILL MIGHT NOT REMEMBER THIS BUT I DID A SHOW AT THE SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT FOR THE SHERIFFS OF THE DEPARTMENT. [LAUGHS] IT IS NOW UP TO ME TO TELL THE REST OF THE STORY. APPARENTLY. AND I HUMBLY ACCEPT. SO, OFFICER MARTINEZ– HE WAS AT HIS RETIREMENT PARTY THAT VERY DAY. HE ANSWERS THE TEXT WHO IS TEXTING ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY RETIREMENT PARTY? JUSTIN TEXTS HIM AND HE’S LIKE YO! MAN I KNOW YOU TOLD ME IF I EVER NEEDED A FAVOR TO LET YOU KNOW AND RIGHT NOW, I NEED A FAVOR. I NEED YOU TO AIRLIFT ME FROM LAX TO CEDARS. AND HE WAS LIKE DUDE, I CANNOT PROVIDE YOU WITH A HELICOPTER BUT WHAT I CAN DO IS I CAN MEET YOU AT THE CURB AT LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT AND I CAN TAKE YOU LICKETY MOTHER******* SPLIT. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT IS LIKE YO! EVERYONE ON THIS PLANE NEEDS TO KEEP THEIR ASSES IN THEIR SEATS BECAUSE WE HAVE ONE PASSENGER WHO NEEDS TO GET OFF THIS PLANE LICKETY F***ING SPLIT. AND HE RUNS. HE RUNS FROM THE PLANE TO THE CURB. SO, HE GETS IN THE CAR AND THE OFFICER TURNS AROUND AND HE’S LIKE YO! AND JUSTIN’S LIKE LET’S GO! THE OFFICER IS LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT, IT’S MY LAST DAY MAN– WHAT CAN I DO OTHER THAN FLIP ON THE SIRENS FOR YOU? AND HE DID. AND THEY’RE ZOOMING. ZOOMING. THEY GOT THE LIGHTS ON. AND JUSTIN’S ON FACETIME WITH ME AND HE’S LIKE BABE, YOU HOLD THAT BABY YOU HOLD HIM IN THERE– IN YOUR PELVIS REGION BECAUSE HERE I COME. I WAS LIKE IN THE HOSPITAL BED AND I FELT THE NEED TO PUSH BUT I WAS LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT? HIS FATHER IS ON THE WAY. HE’S GONNA BE HERE WITHIN 20 MINUTES. MAYBE WE CAN MAKE IT. AT THAT MOMENT JUSTIN PULLS UP. LIZZIE WAS DOWN THERE TO MEET HIM AND SHE WAS LIKE JUSTIN FOLLOW ME! JUSTIN BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR! AND HE’S LIKE I’M HERE! I MADE IT! AND I WAS LIKE HOLY S***! HE MADE IT! AND THE NURSE WAS LIKE HOLY S***! HE MADE IT! AND THE DOULA WAS LIKE HOLY F***! HE MADE IT! AND JOE WAS LIKE OH MY GOD– F***! HE MADE IT! AND MAGGIE WAS LIKE S***. CO**. MOTHER******. HE MADE IT. AND REGULAR DOCTOR WAS LIKE LOOK. GET IN GEAR BECAUSE WE ARE PUSHING. AND I HAD GABI THE DOULA ON ONE SIDE AND I HAD HUSBAND JUSTIN ON THE OTHER SIDE AND BOTH OF THEM PROBABLY IN UNISON THEY WERE LIKE BABE WE’RE HERE. WE GOTCHU. YOU’RE A WOMAN. YOU’RE EMPOWERED. AND YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG. AND ON THE COUNT OF THREE I PUSHED. AND THAT BABY OH, HE WAS BORN. AM I RIGHT BABE? HE WAS BORN. I MADE THE BIRTH? YOU MADE THE BIRTH. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. OH, HERE WE ARE. OH HI. I WAS LOOKING FOR A MARKED CAR. I KNOW IT WAS UNMARKED. OK, HERE YOU ARE. I’M HERE. YOU MADE IT. I’M HERE. WHOSE FACETIME IS THAT? HERE HE IS. OH MY GOD! YOU MADE IT. OH MY GOD. YAY! YAY! BYE, BYE CAMERA. OK, START WITH THAT. COUNTDOWN IN THREE, TWO– HI. HI. I’M JUSTIN. AND I’M JILL.

24 Comments

  1. hey Jus-thanks for always entertaining videos. Always nice to see the woman behind the man, adds a nice personal touch. You both rock !

  2. Cheers Tears giggles and Love. Magic and Miracles. had a lot of laughs and even shed a few drops. Peace n God Bless

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