Allison & Joel’s Story of Pregnancy Loss

Actually, “How are you?” was one of the worst
questions I could get at that time because it seems like it’s such a pleasantry right
and we mean it genuinely but not everybody is prepared for a 32 year old woman to say,
actually I just had a miscarriage yesterday. So when I was 7 weeks pregnant I got a phone
call from the doctors office. Saying that they had referred me for an 8
week scan. Which is basically called a dating and viability
scan. Which as a person who’s just gotten pregnant
that’s kinda a triggering way of wording it because it’s already questioning whether you’re
baby is real or not, right? And she kinda like was running the wand around
on my belly and there was just this black hole. And I had this feeling right away. Was like there’s nothing there. There was nothing. I had a friend who had a similar experience
and that was the only time I’d ever heard of what we then found out was a blighted ovum. That’s just a pregnancy that just doesn’t
develop it’s there but it’s kind of missed. When I was approximately between 9 and 10
weeks I just knew I could just feel at that point it was like cramping and I was like
it’s done. You start to think back upon the past 8 weeks
and longer about what was I doing and what was I having to eat and did I did that have
something in it and oh I might have had a bite of sushi or the process of it all is
so complex and so wonderful but it’s hard to accept that that’s it’s nothing you did
it’s just how it unfolds. Amidst the devastation of that there’s a reassurance
that I wasn’t at fault. And of course that feeling of I can’t change
this I want this to be a certain way but I can’t make it any different than it is. We had the pregnancy app that outlines how
big your baby is at different stages and I think one of the very first ones was your
baby is the size of a speck so for a little while we were talking about the baby as the
speck. And that’s sort of how we collectively referred
to that baby as the speck. And then of course when we found out that
the actual what was in there was just a gestational sack I did refer to it as zack the sack at
one point because I needed to keep my sense of humour in check. Life is full of so many ups and downs and
we’re all going thru it together and I think if we try to keep it inside it’s just so much
harder so even just as we were going thru it and somebody asking How are you today or
How are things going you be able to share that You’re right, it does open up so much more
conversation about these things and about other peoples experiences. And those things together all help us connect
with each other more and i think that can only result in us all being stronger to go
thru those experiences together. We got to the point where we were like ok
lets try again see what happens. But I got pregnant pretty quickly and that
second time was like ok lets do this we’re doing this again. The thing I’ve learned thru this experience
is that loss affects every pregnancy you have. Like anxiety in both pregnancies in the first
trimester was totally apparent because that’s when I lost the first one. I do remember specifically that first
moment we heard the heart beat for the first time and both of us just dissolved. Now our daughter Bea is 2 and a half and running
around and jumping around and yelling and screaming and it’s always interesting taking
that step back and looking at yeah our first experience being pregnant and what that was
like and then fast forwarding to now to where we have a little one and then another little
one on the way too. We have absolutely the child we were meant
to have because of that loss. I do think about the speck. And I guess I think less about what the who
the speck might have been but I think about what the speck did for us. In many ways it was a moment that connected
us so strongly and connected us as a family and as a couple so strongly. The speck gave us that sense of the power
to move forward and the power to move on and to embrace what being a family is that family
is loss and family is support. And family is love and all those ways. And just being able to sit with you and Bea
and sit together reading bedtime stories and think about what we mean to each other and
the speck is part of that. The speck is loss that we were all part of
and that keeps us connected as a family. That a family is all parts of everyone together
the messy the strong the complicated but the beautiful. All in it’s own way.

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